It’s a really hard topic to write about. If you have a physical disability, chances are that you’ve needed help (the unpaid kind) from a friend or family member at some point in you life. Have you ever had those instances of help thrown back at you in the ‘heat of battle’? I have. I suspect most of us have. Here is my take on why it sucks.
If you’re anything like me, you hate asking anyone for help in ways that your able-bodied peers don’t usually need help. I have stayed awake all night rather than ask for help, and spent an extra hour or two on the floor rather than hassle someone unnecessarily. My reasoning being, I choose to live my life as independently as I can. This means accepting that from time to time I will be uncomfortable and inconvenienced because I can’t want independence on the one hand and expect others to stop their daily lives on the other.
I only ask for help when I really need it, when either I can’t move (literally, thanks to my chair) or I am sick or injured. Even then, it is through gritted teeth. Why? On more than one occasion in my life, instances of help have been known to become ammunition during arguments and disagreements. It is the type of arrow to the heart that can destroy relationships.
To some extent, it’s an inequality that exists in all of my relationships with able-bodied people. It’s a fact; it’s just there. I have needed to ask everyone I know for help of the physical kind at some point.
The needs of a person with a disability puts pressure on relationships. Before I had a carer twice a day, my parents used to help with those things. Once I received personal care support, my relationship with my parents improved. They could simply be parents again.
It’s understandable that even those closest to us, or perhaps especially those closest to us, resent the help they give at times. Even when something is done with the best of intentions, it can’t stop resentment from being left behind.
With the aid of carers, this pressure is, to some extent, lessened. But, short of us all receiving twenty four hour on call care and being at home all of that time, chances are we will need to call on others from time to time. It is possible that at least one of those people, intentionally or otherwise, will use it as ammunition against us in the heat of battle.
Let me tell you, there is nothing you can say in your own defence. You have to just take it on the chin, and walk away. Once it’s been said, it’s there forever. It’s unfortunate. The other person can apologise, and you can be sure they mean it, but be prepared that you may never view that person the same way again.
Some relationships can recover, they may never be as close as they once were but they can be maintained. Other relationships, however, are just blown away. I had a friend once, the first instance cost us 6 months of friendship and the second … I haven’t spoken to her in more than a year.
How can you stop it? Short of living in hospital and never forming bonds with able-bodied people, you can’t. There is no point avoiding it. There is no point being frustrated at yourself or the other person, no one is perfect.
All you can do is extract the arrow and take it from there.
6 November 2009
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